I am back but only because I need a place to say something

People come and go in our lives and most of the time we have no say over the matter. Most people believe that there is some higher power in control of who/what/when and where but is it really up to the fates to decide how our lives play out?

What serendipitous moments bring people together. Timing, timing is the death of chance. You could happen upon a photo online or a suggested post on social media and after just a few minutes a connection is made that super-cedes all societal norms of interaction. Proximity and chance.

You found me, how random right? You reached out and I returned communication. I wish I could convince you just how out of character that is for me. Usually so controlled and guarded I keep my walls high and strong. But for some unknown reason I reached through and broke my own rules.

So many choices ahead of me and behind me that are out of character. You will never know how bizarre it is for me to act in such a way.

My words and reactions give you pause and your reactions make me take steps back. Back behind that wall that has been so artfully and meticulously placed my years of heart ache and misuse. I charged full speed ahead at a retreating target and now I feel like I betrayed myself.

I wish  I could show you what it looks like inside my head when I see your name come across my screen. When I see a notification that your liked something I posted. I wish you could understand where it is that this excitement and hope comes from. I wish you could see the change in my demeanor and the wounds that have begun to heal because you gave me a reason to smile again. It is the definition of bittersweet feeling this way and knowing that nothing will ever come of it.

I. Don't. Do. This.

I don't become this version of a female over something so small and insignificant. I am more cautious than this, smarter than this. Stronger than this.

What is it about you that makes me weak?

Why couldn't this just work the way we both wanted it too? And is that even the same thing?

Could the outcome of this moment exist on two separate planes where we both get whatever it is that we each individually wanted out of this.

Is it possible for someone to hold their breath forever.

Is any of this possible?

Why now?