I am back but only because I need a place to say something

People come and go in our lives and most of the time we have no say over the matter. Most people believe that there is some higher power in control of who/what/when and where but is it really up to the fates to decide how our lives play out?

What serendipitous moments bring people together. Timing, timing is the death of chance. You could happen upon a photo online or a suggested post on social media and after just a few minutes a connection is made that super-cedes all societal norms of interaction. Proximity and chance.

You found me, how random right? You reached out and I returned communication. I wish I could convince you just how out of character that is for me. Usually so controlled and guarded I keep my walls high and strong. But for some unknown reason I reached through and broke my own rules.

So many choices ahead of me and behind me that are out of character. You will never know how bizarre it is for me to act in such a way.

My words and reactions give you pause and your reactions make me take steps back. Back behind that wall that has been so artfully and meticulously placed my years of heart ache and misuse. I charged full speed ahead at a retreating target and now I feel like I betrayed myself.

I wish  I could show you what it looks like inside my head when I see your name come across my screen. When I see a notification that your liked something I posted. I wish you could understand where it is that this excitement and hope comes from. I wish you could see the change in my demeanor and the wounds that have begun to heal because you gave me a reason to smile again. It is the definition of bittersweet feeling this way and knowing that nothing will ever come of it.

I. Don't. Do. This.

I don't become this version of a female over something so small and insignificant. I am more cautious than this, smarter than this. Stronger than this.

What is it about you that makes me weak?

Why couldn't this just work the way we both wanted it too? And is that even the same thing?

Could the outcome of this moment exist on two separate planes where we both get whatever it is that we each individually wanted out of this.

Is it possible for someone to hold their breath forever.

Is any of this possible?

Why now?

Buh dum dum

So I am the type of person who HATES to ask for help. As an Italian I am extremely proud and have always been pretty good at getting myself out of sticky situations. But it has happened that I had to start up a gofundme account to beg for handouts.

It sucks and I am irreparably embarrassed but it has come down to keeping the electricity on or putting food in my child's belly.

So here it is, for no one to see, the link to my GoFundMe page

http://www.gofundme.com/dyjk08

5 years lessons learned

This should really be more like 7 years of lessons learned but the last 5 years seem to be a good place to start.

When he found me I was broken, my illusions of fairy tales and happily ever after had been thoroughly squashed and 5 years later, not much has changed.

I have learned that you really are alone in this world, it doesn't matter who is sleeping next to you at night. The only person you can count on is yourself, the only person you can lean on and the only one who really gives a damn is you.

Now people are going to jump on me for this and say "no the right one is out there" blah blah blah. Good for you, you found yourself a great partner. But lets be real for a minute, you aren't the norm.

Damn near 7 billion people in the world, do you really think that lightening strikes for all of us. Well I am here to tell you it doesn't.

Somewhere down the road one of you settled, one of you gave up something that made up who you are at your core, all to bend to match another.

Some of us bend so much and give up so much that when the glass breaks we are left wondering how the hell we ever got here in the first place. Who the hell am I and where the hell did I go? I sure as hell don't know.

What is worse is the person I did all this changing for couldn't care less. Because I am still not perfect, I am still not them. I have spent the last 5 years of my life in constant change while he sat in stasis on his ivory throne. I have been punished for feeling anything other than what he thought was normal and here I stand being named the bad guy.

In 5 years I have learned that sex is a powerful attractant and if it is good and the chemistry is amazing then it can keep a relationship on life support indefinitely until that sex stops. Now busy lifestyles and you know the fact that I work and go to school and he well, he does nothing quite frankly, gets in the way and suddenly the sex stops. With intimacy gone the walls sure went up fast. Without that one aspect of it we have nothing, no common interests. He can't stand me and I can't stand him. But hooray for sex right? We can be disgusted with each other in perfect harmony.

Now it isn't fair to blame him for all the bitterness I have come to know fondly. It really started with Vallejo with an ample helping from Mr. Texas. But that is all water under the bridge. The bridge that we are standing on that is burning both ends up with a vengeance like no other.

It is always interesting to see how the world looks when all your delusions come crashing down around you.
Behold the lovely disaster that I have made of my life waiting for just one muscle twitch of movement from this man who I thought was my best friend. Instead of 2 steps forward and one step back it has been more like a snail caught in a circle of salt that the snail spilled them self. It is intellectual suicide. Some people are just not meant to be part of society and are better off living in their mother's basement watching zombie flicks playing war games on a black box.

So this is what I have become, 30 years old, cold and bitter with no desire to try again because really what is the point? It is all about sex in the end and that I can find just fine without all the commitment bullshit that always blows up in my face.

What kind of girl I've made.

Sometimes I simply don't know how I make it in this world as a female, seriously. 

So I used to be really bad about biting my nails and recently I just stopped all together. Well now I am afraid to cut my own nails for fear that I will ruin the pretty girlyness that I got going on. 

Now I am stuck in a conundrum. My nails have gotten WAY too long but I don't want to cut them and today I had the harsh realization that I am the worst girl on the planet because I somehow have made it through without owning a SINGLE nail file. 

WHAT!? How is that even possible? 

So here I am scratching the crap out of myself, having a hell of a time typing and just generally feeling defeated by my own ungirlyness. 

Well poop I say. Poop. 

MUST. RESIST. THE. URGE. TO. CHEW.... 

I'm like a hamster on chew detox.

The words I can not say...

I am the way I am now because you treated me the way she treated you. 

You are the way you are now because I tried to show you more love than you ever knew possible. 


this is how we got here.

minor annoyances

Your and you're
There, they're and their
seen and saw.

Please for the love of Pete, learn the difference!

You once saw your own reflection.
Have you seen their new shoes?

I saw that movie, have you seen it?

You're supposed to fight for what is yours.

They're waiting for you to take them there.


honestly I could do this all day.

and please don't get me started on people who "axe" questions.

What happens when I don't have to be at work until 8:15 at the closest office to my home?

I make a new blog!

Well ok I wanted to do this for a while but I just couldn't find the time. 

So here we are, a new place for me to plant my thoughts and random literary brilliance's without flooding the newsfeeds of my facebook pals. 

I am creating this space so that I can freely express myself without worrying about offending the more conservative members of my friends list. 

I will share this blog but it is up to the individual whether they wish to dive into the depths of the real me or not. 

I can be vulgar, I can cut deep and you may not like what I have to say, but this is my blog so bugger off!

Anywho... look forward to gracing you all with my randomness soon. As for now I must share this and get off to work!