5 years lessons learned

This should really be more like 7 years of lessons learned but the last 5 years seem to be a good place to start.

When he found me I was broken, my illusions of fairy tales and happily ever after had been thoroughly squashed and 5 years later, not much has changed.

I have learned that you really are alone in this world, it doesn't matter who is sleeping next to you at night. The only person you can count on is yourself, the only person you can lean on and the only one who really gives a damn is you.

Now people are going to jump on me for this and say "no the right one is out there" blah blah blah. Good for you, you found yourself a great partner. But lets be real for a minute, you aren't the norm.

Damn near 7 billion people in the world, do you really think that lightening strikes for all of us. Well I am here to tell you it doesn't.

Somewhere down the road one of you settled, one of you gave up something that made up who you are at your core, all to bend to match another.

Some of us bend so much and give up so much that when the glass breaks we are left wondering how the hell we ever got here in the first place. Who the hell am I and where the hell did I go? I sure as hell don't know.

What is worse is the person I did all this changing for couldn't care less. Because I am still not perfect, I am still not them. I have spent the last 5 years of my life in constant change while he sat in stasis on his ivory throne. I have been punished for feeling anything other than what he thought was normal and here I stand being named the bad guy.

In 5 years I have learned that sex is a powerful attractant and if it is good and the chemistry is amazing then it can keep a relationship on life support indefinitely until that sex stops. Now busy lifestyles and you know the fact that I work and go to school and he well, he does nothing quite frankly, gets in the way and suddenly the sex stops. With intimacy gone the walls sure went up fast. Without that one aspect of it we have nothing, no common interests. He can't stand me and I can't stand him. But hooray for sex right? We can be disgusted with each other in perfect harmony.

Now it isn't fair to blame him for all the bitterness I have come to know fondly. It really started with Vallejo with an ample helping from Mr. Texas. But that is all water under the bridge. The bridge that we are standing on that is burning both ends up with a vengeance like no other.

It is always interesting to see how the world looks when all your delusions come crashing down around you.
Behold the lovely disaster that I have made of my life waiting for just one muscle twitch of movement from this man who I thought was my best friend. Instead of 2 steps forward and one step back it has been more like a snail caught in a circle of salt that the snail spilled them self. It is intellectual suicide. Some people are just not meant to be part of society and are better off living in their mother's basement watching zombie flicks playing war games on a black box.

So this is what I have become, 30 years old, cold and bitter with no desire to try again because really what is the point? It is all about sex in the end and that I can find just fine without all the commitment bullshit that always blows up in my face.